Teaching My Son to do Laundry
Age 4
“Zach, let’s sort these piles of clothes into different colors.”
“Like this?”
“Yep, blues go in this pile. Nope, put those blues in the jeans pile.”
“Here?”
“Yep.”
“Ok, you can sit on top of the dryer, but don’t kick the door or it’ll break. Wait, I’ll lift you”
“Mumma, can I put in the soap?”
“No, I’ll put in the soap and you can toss the clothes in the washer.”
“Now Mum?”
“No, wait until a little more water gets into the washing machine.”
“Now?”
“Nope wait. I’ll hand them to you when we’re ready. Try not to kick the dryer.
Ok, here’s daddy’s jeans toss them in; ok, put mine in next. No, no, no don’t lean over any further or you’ll fall in.
“Anymore?”
“Nope all done.”
“Can I close the lid?”
“Yes, gently.”
BANG!
“Good job buddy.”
Age 17
“Zach, it is simply time ~ you’ve got to start doing your own laundry. You’ll be going off to college next year and you really need to know how to do this.”
“I’ll get a cute girl to do it for me.”
“Trust me; no cute girl is going to do your stinky laundry.”
“Mom, I don’t know how to do laundry.”
“Yes, you do. You’ve been doing laundry since you were three, four years old.”
“No I haven’t.”
“Zach, how can you not remember sitting on top of the dryer kicking your Nikes into the metal door? You don’t remember sorting all of those clothes with me in the basement at
“MOM, I WAS FOUR!!”
“I swear you had so much fun helping me; we did it everyday! Do you remember the time we pulled all of our jeans out of the dryer and every crayon in your pocket had melted all through the whole load? For days I tried getting that wax off. Finally I gave up and bought everyone new jeans. You always had stuff in your pockets, rocks, Nerds candy, and Ninja Turtle weapons. Make sure you check your pockets.”
“MOM! STOP. I don’t know how to do laundry!”
“Zach you took Home Ec in 8th grade. There was an entire marking period dedicated to laundry, whites in hot water, and colors in cold water and ironing. We practiced ironing shirts together with
“Mom, can’t you just do my laundry?”
“No. It’s time for you to do this yourself. I’m typing-up the instructions and posting them on the laundry room door.”
“FINE! Annie, Mom’s going crazy! Will you sort my laundry?”
Age 22
“Mom, is there a way to get white clothes brighter?”
“Yeah, why?”
“All of my white clothes are so…dingy.”
“Where are you doing your laundry?”
“In the basement of my building; I swear there are dead bodies down there. I pretty much throw the laundry in the machine, run upstairs and hope the clothes will still be there when I go back down.”
“Oh, gross. Maybe it’s the
“Downy.”
“Downy? Downy’s not a laundry detergent.”
“Then what is it?”
“It’s a fabric softener. Why did you start using Downy?”
“Downy’s a client so I thought I should support them and use the samples.”
“How long have you been using Downy?”
“For months.”
“Oh, God. You need to get a good laundry detergent and Oxi Clean. Go to a clean laundra-mat and wash all of your whites on HOT.”
“Really? Do you think that will work?”
“I do. Really”
“OK.”
Age 23
“Zach, what’s your new address?”
“
“Is that considered the
“Hmmm…sort-of. Well, not really, but its close.”
“Do you have a laundry room in your building?”
“Nope.”
“Where are you going to do your laundry?”
“I’m not. I found a great laundry/dry cleaning service one block down from my apartment; it’s 70¢ per pound to wash and fold. They charge $1.50 to dry clean my shirts. I drop off my laundry in the morning and it’s done in the afternoon.
“How many pounds do you usually have?”
“About forty.”
“Forty pounds! Does that include wet towels?”
“No Mom, just clothes.
“How much does this cost you?”
“About $30 bucks.”
“Do you like being able to drop off your laundry?
“I love it! It saves so much time.”
“Good for you, Zach; makes sense.”
“The only thing is my cleaning bag is ripping so much that any day now my clothes will be all over
“I’ll stay tuned.”
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